Best at folding a parachute
An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"
Grabbing nose
One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~""Nice arse."
"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."
"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."
""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"
"I'm on a long "distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."
~~""Nice arse."
"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."
"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."
""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"
"I'm on a long "distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Contradiction
Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction?
Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!
There always exist two sides of the same coin!
You be the better judge…
All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.
Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.
The best things in life are free.
BUT
There's no such thing as a free (best) lunch.
Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for none.
Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.
Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.
Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.
Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.
Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.
Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.
Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!
There always exist two sides of the same coin!
You be the better judge…
All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.
Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.
The best things in life are free.
BUT
There's no such thing as a free (best) lunch.
Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for none.
Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.
Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.
Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.
Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.
Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.
Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.
Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Redneck Mom's Letter To Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Beggars in London
Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.
Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..
Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'
Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Javed shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.
Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..
Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'
Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Javed shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Hillbilly woman
A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.
"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go sh*t in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."
He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.
"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go sh*t in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."
Saturday Night Bath
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Pray Hard
Poor little Johnny had been blind from birth. One night before he went to bed, his mother told him that the next day was very special. She told him if he prayed very hard to God, he would be able see when he woke up. Johnny was very excited and prayed very hard for two hours.
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"
Blind date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression, and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died and I have to leave."
"Thank heaven!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression, and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died and I have to leave."
"Thank heaven!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
Ski trip to Utah
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.
So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.
So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"
You know I don't smoke
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
About to...
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass.
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived."
"Sure, why?" "Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived."
"Sure, why?" "Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"
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