1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Salary Raise- Great Negotiation
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Manager: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Manager: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Blood Test
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"
$100,000 quiz show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.
I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight.
I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return.
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”“What is it?” she cried excitedly.“OK.
The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…” “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.
I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight.
I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return.
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”“What is it?” she cried excitedly.“OK.
The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…” “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”
No Way
A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her.
She refuses, and walks back.
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her.
She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in.
She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!
She refuses, and walks back.
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her.
She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in.
She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!
Medical term for Lazy
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Nervous Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Human Species
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
Are you thirsty?
Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
My ears are cold too
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"
You don't have much to say, do you?
Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Reasons it’s Great to be a Guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Woman
You can always get a job in a movie, so long as you're willing to go naked.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.
911
A mother calls 911, very worried asking the dispatcher, if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, her kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!
God go to the bathroom
Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"
Top Ten Things Men and Women Never Say
TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.
TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.
TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.
Things Women Must Understand About Men
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
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