A young virgin couple are finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Human Species
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
Are you thirsty?
Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
My ears are cold too
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"
You don't have much to say, do you?
Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Reasons it’s Great to be a Guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Woman
You can always get a job in a movie, so long as you're willing to go naked.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.
911
A mother calls 911, very worried asking the dispatcher, if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, her kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!
God go to the bathroom
Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"
Top Ten Things Men and Women Never Say
TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.
TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.
TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.
Things Women Must Understand About Men
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Different Characteristics of Men and Women
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
The GoalKeeper
The house was on fire.
A woman appeared at an upstairs Window. she was clutching a baby and screaming, "my baby! my baby! save my baby!"
"throw the baby to me!" shouted a young man. "I'll catch him"
"You might drop him."Shouted the woman.
"I'm a professional footballer." Shouted the man. "I'm a goalkeeper. I'm very good at catching The baby will be safe with me."
The woman threw down the baby to the young man who put all his professional expertise into operation, and he expertly CAUGHT the baby. Wow.
Then, unthinkingly, kicked it over the garden wall.
A woman appeared at an upstairs Window. she was clutching a baby and screaming, "my baby! my baby! save my baby!"
"throw the baby to me!" shouted a young man. "I'll catch him"
"You might drop him."Shouted the woman.
"I'm a professional footballer." Shouted the man. "I'm a goalkeeper. I'm very good at catching The baby will be safe with me."
The woman threw down the baby to the young man who put all his professional expertise into operation, and he expertly CAUGHT the baby. Wow.
Then, unthinkingly, kicked it over the garden wall.
The Pastor
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Daddy's car in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Murphy's laws of flying
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.
2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Hillary Clinton vs. God
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
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