Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
The Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Apartment for Rent
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
Blonde commit suicide
A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....
2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach.
So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck".
And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.
2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach.
So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck".
And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.
Don't step on the ducks
Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
What a guy should not say after sex?
"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
"How come it's so BIG in there?"
"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"
"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"
"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."
"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
"How come it's so BIG in there?"
"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"
"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"
"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."
"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
Haircut
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Road Safety Week
A Traffic Police stopped a car and said," This is the Road Safety Week. As you are driving with the Seat belt on, you are rewarded with 5000 bucks...What will you do with this prize money?
Car Driver: "The first thing I will do is get a driving license.."
His mother sitting on the back seat said," Officer, don't trust him..He is drunk right now.."
His Dad saw the officer and said,"I knew already that we would not be able to get far in this stolen car...."
Suddenly there was a shout from the back storage of the car.." Gusy did we get across the International Border or not..?"
Car Driver: "The first thing I will do is get a driving license.."
His mother sitting on the back seat said," Officer, don't trust him..He is drunk right now.."
His Dad saw the officer and said,"I knew already that we would not be able to get far in this stolen car...."
Suddenly there was a shout from the back storage of the car.." Gusy did we get across the International Border or not..?"
Low-fat diets
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter
. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
I'd like to buy it
A woman goes into an antique shopand says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
Sugar Brown's daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
Lost Voice
Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone
* "So, what are you wearing?"
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."
Top 10 Reasons Compilers Are Female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
The Undeniable Truths Of The Workplace
* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.
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