At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Courtroom Quotes
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
************
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
**********
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*********
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**********
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
**********
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**********
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
************
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
**********
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
**********
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
**************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***********
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
**********
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
***********
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
***********
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
**********
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
**********
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
**********
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*********
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**********
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
**********
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**********
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***********
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
****************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
****************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Heaven OR Hell!!!!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
Why ? Oh Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And my FAVORITE
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And my FAVORITE
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**
Whats your Name?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we ' ve been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I ' ve thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we ' ve been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I ' ve thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Let's have a beer
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
All in Family
Three sisters , aged 92, 94, 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old turns on a bath. She puts her foot in the water and yells to her sisters, '' was I getting in or getting out of the bath?''
The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I will come up and see.'
She starts up the stair case, pauses and yells ''Was I going up the stairs or down?''
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
she shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocks on wood and says I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door!'
One night the 96 year old turns on a bath. She puts her foot in the water and yells to her sisters, '' was I getting in or getting out of the bath?''
The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I will come up and see.'
She starts up the stair case, pauses and yells ''Was I going up the stairs or down?''
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
she shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocks on wood and says I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door!'
Broken Car
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is frantic as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator!'' she cried.
The dispatcher said 'Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on his way'
A few minutes later the officer radios back: "Disregard, she got into the back seat by mistake."
She is frantic as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator!'' she cried.
The dispatcher said 'Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on his way'
A few minutes later the officer radios back: "Disregard, she got into the back seat by mistake."
Oh, my, am I driving?
Two elderly women were driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dash board. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they just drove through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought ' I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.' Few minutes later they came to another intersection and sure enough the light was red again and they went through.
So she turned t the other woman and said 'Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, my, am I driving?'
The woman in the passenger seat thought ' I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.' Few minutes later they came to another intersection and sure enough the light was red again and they went through.
So she turned t the other woman and said 'Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, my, am I driving?'
Would you like the bridal?
A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?
Donation
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'
Wo-man
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Home sweet home
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Metal Bird
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Carpet Installation
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A gas problem?
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
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