Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
All in Family
Three sisters , aged 92, 94, 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old turns on a bath. She puts her foot in the water and yells to her sisters, '' was I getting in or getting out of the bath?''
The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I will come up and see.'
She starts up the stair case, pauses and yells ''Was I going up the stairs or down?''
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
she shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocks on wood and says I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door!'
One night the 96 year old turns on a bath. She puts her foot in the water and yells to her sisters, '' was I getting in or getting out of the bath?''
The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I will come up and see.'
She starts up the stair case, pauses and yells ''Was I going up the stairs or down?''
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
she shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocks on wood and says I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door!'
Broken Car
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is frantic as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator!'' she cried.
The dispatcher said 'Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on his way'
A few minutes later the officer radios back: "Disregard, she got into the back seat by mistake."
She is frantic as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator!'' she cried.
The dispatcher said 'Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on his way'
A few minutes later the officer radios back: "Disregard, she got into the back seat by mistake."
Oh, my, am I driving?
Two elderly women were driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dash board. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they just drove through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought ' I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.' Few minutes later they came to another intersection and sure enough the light was red again and they went through.
So she turned t the other woman and said 'Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, my, am I driving?'
The woman in the passenger seat thought ' I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.' Few minutes later they came to another intersection and sure enough the light was red again and they went through.
So she turned t the other woman and said 'Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, my, am I driving?'
Would you like the bridal?
A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?
Donation
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'
Wo-man
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Home sweet home
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Metal Bird
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Carpet Installation
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A gas problem?
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
Fishing Blonde
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
I feel awful
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Cause it hurts
The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my p*ssy!"
"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.
"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.
"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest
"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.
"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.
"OK, Father, then just take it out of my a*s cause it hurts!"
"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.
"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.
"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest
"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.
"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.
"OK, Father, then just take it out of my a*s cause it hurts!"
Productivity
To: All staff
From: HR head
Subject: Low productivity
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.
John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."
Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.
Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Greece 2, Nigeria 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in Nigeria. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.
Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.
I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.
Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Productivity Award.
From: HR head
Subject: Low productivity
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.
John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."
Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.
Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Greece 2, Nigeria 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in Nigeria. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.
Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.
I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.
Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Productivity Award.
Bijness is Bijness
One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds…
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!!
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!!
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