Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Home sweet home
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?
Because ...
Home sweet home !
Metal Bird
Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"
"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"
Carpet Installation
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A gas problem?
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.
"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"
Fishing Blonde
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
I feel awful
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Cause it hurts
The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my p*ssy!"
"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.
"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.
"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest
"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.
"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.
"OK, Father, then just take it out of my a*s cause it hurts!"
"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.
"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.
"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest
"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.
"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.
"OK, Father, then just take it out of my a*s cause it hurts!"
Productivity
To: All staff
From: HR head
Subject: Low productivity
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.
John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."
Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.
Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Greece 2, Nigeria 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in Nigeria. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.
Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.
I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.
Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Productivity Award.
From: HR head
Subject: Low productivity
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.
John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."
Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.
Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Greece 2, Nigeria 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in Nigeria. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.
Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.
I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.
Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Productivity Award.
Bijness is Bijness
One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds…
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!!
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!!
What’s wrong now?
Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
Girlie Wisdom
- A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
- One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
- My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
- The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...
- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
How to recruit the right person for the job?
Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Statement vs True meaning
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
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