Enjoy Sex
At a session with their marriage counselor, the wife snaps at her husband “That’s not true! I do so enjoy sex!” Then, turning to the counselor, she explains “But this animal expects it four or five times a year!”
The Great Gambler
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”
Sonia ko Bahumat do
Rahul Gandhi: Mom, aapki vajah se meri shaadi nahi ho rahi.
Sonia Gandhi : Kyon?
Rahul Gandhi: Har taraf likha hai, "Sonia ko Bahumat do"
Sonia Gandhi : Kyon?
Rahul Gandhi: Har taraf likha hai, "Sonia ko Bahumat do"
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Baseball in heaven
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
New Alcohol Warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Listening to the ground
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Wrong Hole
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'
Body doubles
It's late 2003, and the new Iraqi Minister of Information has assembled all 89 Saddam body doubles following the Baghdad invasion.
"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.
"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."
The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.
"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.
"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."
The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.
"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
Male Frog
The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Some wierd answers to common HR questions during interviews
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company
6. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today
7. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
8. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
9. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
10. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
11. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
12. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
13. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company
6. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today
7. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
8. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
9. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
10. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
11. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
12. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
13. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)
Office Phone
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Sunday morning… after breakfast…
Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patently listening to them.
Maid (un baffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !
Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patently listening to them.
Maid (un baffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !
Ideal husbands
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round.
And then he made the earth round.
Bad Mood
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m in such a bad, BAD mood!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’ Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’ Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
Sneeze
“Doctor, the prescription you gave me makes me have an orgasm every time I sneeze!”
“Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”
“Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”.
“Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”
“Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”.
Play Doctor-Doctor
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
Deodorant
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom"
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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