The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Listening to the ground
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Wrong Hole
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'
Body doubles
It's late 2003, and the new Iraqi Minister of Information has assembled all 89 Saddam body doubles following the Baghdad invasion.
"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.
"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."
The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.
"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.
"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."
The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.
"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
Male Frog
The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Some wierd answers to common HR questions during interviews
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company
6. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today
7. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
8. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
9. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
10. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
11. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
12. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
13. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company
6. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today
7. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
8. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
9. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
10. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
11. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
12. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
13. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)
Office Phone
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Sunday morning… after breakfast…
Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patently listening to them.
Maid (un baffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !
Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patently listening to them.
Maid (un baffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !
Ideal husbands
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round.
And then he made the earth round.
Bad Mood
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m in such a bad, BAD mood!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’ Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’ Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
Sneeze
“Doctor, the prescription you gave me makes me have an orgasm every time I sneeze!”
“Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”
“Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”.
“Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”
“Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”.
Play Doctor-Doctor
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
Deodorant
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom"
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
What’s the matter?
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
Believe
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”
The other side
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
Runways are clear
At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying,
"Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn arse and get there faster."
The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear. You are free to take off!"
"Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn arse and get there faster."
The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear. You are free to take off!"
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