I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom"
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
What’s the matter?
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
Believe
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”
The other side
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
Runways are clear
At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying,
"Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn arse and get there faster."
The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear. You are free to take off!"
"Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn arse and get there faster."
The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear. You are free to take off!"
Polish Woman
What's the difference between a polish woman and a pizza?
You can choose with or without mushrooms on the pizza!
You can choose with or without mushrooms on the pizza!
King of the Jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey answered, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammered, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling as if it had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly, and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
The trembling monkey answered, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammered, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling as if it had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly, and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Stupid Guy
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life.
I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life.
I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”
Johnny and his cat
Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fu*#in pussy!"
John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fu*#in pussy!"
It will give me time to get away
A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
A Smart Business Plan
A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in theirmanufacturing process.
On one side ofthe building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
On the other sideof the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?""Oh, that hehe.
It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom.""But that can't be good for the condoms!" the observant shift manager replied."Nah, but it'sreallygood for the baby bottle nipple business!"
On one side ofthe building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
On the other sideof the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?""Oh, that hehe.
It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom.""But that can't be good for the condoms!" the observant shift manager replied."Nah, but it'sreallygood for the baby bottle nipple business!"
Kids and Religion
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, don't want them take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, don't want them take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"
Smart Neighbours
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
Dictionary Of New Slang
*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
Corporate Lessons
CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. (bull shit) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. (bull shit) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Big Tits vs. Little Tits
Women with Big Tits...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
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