Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, don't want them take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"
Smart Neighbours
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
Dictionary Of New Slang
*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
Corporate Lessons
CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. (bull shit) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. (bull shit) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Big Tits vs. Little Tits
Women with Big Tits...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
Three Wishes
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."
Speed limit
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
What did you steal?
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
Sexual Harrasment
One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today." She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened. The manager says, "What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?" Furious, she snarls, "He’s a midget!"
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Finding My Wife
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”
The ant and the grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
Comments made on student report cards
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Exclusive nudist colony
Larry joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Larry immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him, "May I help you?"
Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."
Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him, "May I help you?"
Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."
Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"
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