Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Finding My Wife
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”
The ant and the grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
Comments made on student report cards
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Exclusive nudist colony
Larry joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Larry immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him, "May I help you?"
Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."
Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"
The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him, "May I help you?"
Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."
Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"
Stages of Life - Men and Women
FEMALE
Drink
• 17: Wine Coolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses For Refusing Dates
• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Favourite Sport
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Drug
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"
Favourite Fantasy
• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man
MALE
Drink
• 17: beer
• 25: beer
• 35: vodka
• 48: double vodka
• 66: Maalox
Seduction Line
• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.
Favourite Sport
• 17: sex
• 25: sex
• 35: sex
• 48: sex
• 66: napping
Drug
• 17: pot
• 25: coke
• 35: really good coke
• 48: power
• 66: coke, a limousine, the company jet
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "tongue"
• 25: "breakfast"
• 35: "She didn't set back my therapy."
• 48: "I didn't have to meet her kids."
• 66: "Got home alive."
Drink
• 17: Wine Coolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses For Refusing Dates
• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Favourite Sport
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Drug
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"
Favourite Fantasy
• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man
MALE
Drink
• 17: beer
• 25: beer
• 35: vodka
• 48: double vodka
• 66: Maalox
Seduction Line
• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.
Favourite Sport
• 17: sex
• 25: sex
• 35: sex
• 48: sex
• 66: napping
Drug
• 17: pot
• 25: coke
• 35: really good coke
• 48: power
• 66: coke, a limousine, the company jet
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "tongue"
• 25: "breakfast"
• 35: "She didn't set back my therapy."
• 48: "I didn't have to meet her kids."
• 66: "Got home alive."
Things that men hate about women
Illness
Women are crap when you're ill. Their firm belief that all men are hypochondriacs and oversensitive to pain makes for an indifferent bedside manner. Instead of tea and sympathy, you get two aspirin (no water) and a lecture on how painful menstrual cramps are. If a man wants proper nursing from a woman then, as with many other things, he has to pay a complete stranger.
Hair
Women leave hair everywhere. While this is a fact of life that most men accept, it is a source of endless annoyance to us that your regular copious hair loss doesn't result in a corresponding bald patch. It just isn't fair.
Work
Women work too hard. Sitting next to a woman at work can be a shaming experience. While female co-workers can sometimes be drawn into idle chat or cajoled into sloping off early, it usually turns out they've finished all their work early.
Back massages
Women continue to require men to give them back massages as part of foreplay, even though it usually just puts them to sleep. Even the most naively compliant of us men, however, eventually see through this ruse.
Sex
As far as sexual experimentation goes, women generally run through their repertoire once with a new boyfriend, like it's a driving test, and then after a month settle back to counting ceiling tiles. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but we can't get any of them to return our phone calls.
Impotence
"It's all right, I don't mind" is not a comforting thing to say to a man suffering from a bout of impotence. It just implies you didn't want to do it anyway. Granted, "I'm really disappointed" doesn't sound much better, but at least it doesn't suggest a narrow escape. Offer him a face-saving way out; ask for a back massage and then start snoring after a few minutes.
Hormones
Women feel free to use their hormones as an excuse for almost any mood or behaviour: weeping during Casualty, not being able to parallel park properly...
Revenge
Women don't seem to have any statute of limitations on revenge. It doesn't seem odd to a woman to fling a glass of wine into a man's face for something he said six weeks ago. Women are proud of this faculty but shouldn't be surprised if the results are disappointing. Men are like dogs; they have to have their noses rubbed in something pretty much right away to get any reaction other than bewildered whimpering.
Fat
There's no correct answer to the question, "Do you think I'm fat?" when it's asked by a woman. "No" means "yes"; "yes" means "yes"; and even "it doesn't matter", surprisingly enough, seems to mean "yes".
Gifts
Women use gift-giving occasions to test a man's taste and judgement, to see if he will once again hand over a hideous dress, vulgar jewellery or a nasty perfume. He will, so stop testing him and tell him exactly what to get - and where to get it from.
Matchmaking
Women muck around with each other's personal lives in a highly cavalier manner: matchmaking incompatible couples, giving disastrous advice to friends who are having affairs and reporting all confidential information directly to the person who isn't supposed to know. The resulting havoc is then consumed as dinner-party conversation. In this dangerous game, men are but pawns.
Gay Men
Women pretend to know exactly which men are gay and which men aren't. But, if truth be told, they haven't actually got a clue who is and who isn't. Most women have said, "I always knew you were gay" to every single one of their boyfriends - except the one who really was gay.
Friends
It's the aim of every woman to replace all of her boyfriend's friends with all her friends' boyfriends. Women are so territorial about friends that it's safe for a man to assume that she will hate any friend of his that he didn't meet through her.
know that there is always a koala eating leaves somewhere.
Losing things
Women lose things and make men look for them. Men lose things too, but don't have time to look for them. They're too busy fishing under the fridge for the earrings you left in the shop. Here are a few tips: your sunglasses are on your head and your keys are probably still in the door.
Long Life
Women live longer. There's a smug, built-in biological swagger in the way women carry around the extra 10-odd years which life has dealt them. It gives them a kind of patience in arguments, knowing that they'll eventually have the last laugh when they're still around to unplug your life-support machine.
Food
Women go on diets. They buy half the food that they normally buy. This means that the man too only gets half the food he's used to, even if he is bordering on malnutrition already. Is it any wonder that we patronise kebab vans and curry houses?
The Bathroom
Women have on average 102 items of personal hygiene equipment in the bathroom. Men have 6 and that includes the razor. There may be a reason for this imbalance, but it escapes us. Surely there aren't 102 distinct parts on a woman that require different soaps, potions or ointments? Or is there something you're not telling us?
Babies
Women cluck over other peoples' babies for hours to a quite nauseating level. It's called the "mothering instinct" only because "behaviour aimed to scare the crap out of your boyfriend-stroke-husband-to-be" is too much of a mouthful.
Women are crap when you're ill. Their firm belief that all men are hypochondriacs and oversensitive to pain makes for an indifferent bedside manner. Instead of tea and sympathy, you get two aspirin (no water) and a lecture on how painful menstrual cramps are. If a man wants proper nursing from a woman then, as with many other things, he has to pay a complete stranger.
Hair
Women leave hair everywhere. While this is a fact of life that most men accept, it is a source of endless annoyance to us that your regular copious hair loss doesn't result in a corresponding bald patch. It just isn't fair.
Work
Women work too hard. Sitting next to a woman at work can be a shaming experience. While female co-workers can sometimes be drawn into idle chat or cajoled into sloping off early, it usually turns out they've finished all their work early.
Back massages
Women continue to require men to give them back massages as part of foreplay, even though it usually just puts them to sleep. Even the most naively compliant of us men, however, eventually see through this ruse.
Sex
As far as sexual experimentation goes, women generally run through their repertoire once with a new boyfriend, like it's a driving test, and then after a month settle back to counting ceiling tiles. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but we can't get any of them to return our phone calls.
Impotence
"It's all right, I don't mind" is not a comforting thing to say to a man suffering from a bout of impotence. It just implies you didn't want to do it anyway. Granted, "I'm really disappointed" doesn't sound much better, but at least it doesn't suggest a narrow escape. Offer him a face-saving way out; ask for a back massage and then start snoring after a few minutes.
Hormones
Women feel free to use their hormones as an excuse for almost any mood or behaviour: weeping during Casualty, not being able to parallel park properly...
Revenge
Women don't seem to have any statute of limitations on revenge. It doesn't seem odd to a woman to fling a glass of wine into a man's face for something he said six weeks ago. Women are proud of this faculty but shouldn't be surprised if the results are disappointing. Men are like dogs; they have to have their noses rubbed in something pretty much right away to get any reaction other than bewildered whimpering.
Fat
There's no correct answer to the question, "Do you think I'm fat?" when it's asked by a woman. "No" means "yes"; "yes" means "yes"; and even "it doesn't matter", surprisingly enough, seems to mean "yes".
Gifts
Women use gift-giving occasions to test a man's taste and judgement, to see if he will once again hand over a hideous dress, vulgar jewellery or a nasty perfume. He will, so stop testing him and tell him exactly what to get - and where to get it from.
Matchmaking
Women muck around with each other's personal lives in a highly cavalier manner: matchmaking incompatible couples, giving disastrous advice to friends who are having affairs and reporting all confidential information directly to the person who isn't supposed to know. The resulting havoc is then consumed as dinner-party conversation. In this dangerous game, men are but pawns.
Gay Men
Women pretend to know exactly which men are gay and which men aren't. But, if truth be told, they haven't actually got a clue who is and who isn't. Most women have said, "I always knew you were gay" to every single one of their boyfriends - except the one who really was gay.
Friends
It's the aim of every woman to replace all of her boyfriend's friends with all her friends' boyfriends. Women are so territorial about friends that it's safe for a man to assume that she will hate any friend of his that he didn't meet through her.
know that there is always a koala eating leaves somewhere.
Losing things
Women lose things and make men look for them. Men lose things too, but don't have time to look for them. They're too busy fishing under the fridge for the earrings you left in the shop. Here are a few tips: your sunglasses are on your head and your keys are probably still in the door.
Long Life
Women live longer. There's a smug, built-in biological swagger in the way women carry around the extra 10-odd years which life has dealt them. It gives them a kind of patience in arguments, knowing that they'll eventually have the last laugh when they're still around to unplug your life-support machine.
Food
Women go on diets. They buy half the food that they normally buy. This means that the man too only gets half the food he's used to, even if he is bordering on malnutrition already. Is it any wonder that we patronise kebab vans and curry houses?
The Bathroom
Women have on average 102 items of personal hygiene equipment in the bathroom. Men have 6 and that includes the razor. There may be a reason for this imbalance, but it escapes us. Surely there aren't 102 distinct parts on a woman that require different soaps, potions or ointments? Or is there something you're not telling us?
Babies
Women cluck over other peoples' babies for hours to a quite nauseating level. It's called the "mothering instinct" only because "behaviour aimed to scare the crap out of your boyfriend-stroke-husband-to-be" is too much of a mouthful.
Rules of Bedroom Golf
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.
- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
- Unlike outdoor golf the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
- For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied the game is complete, failure to do so may result being denied permission to play the course again.
- It is considered bad form to beging playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to cause damage to players equipment for this reason.
- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection
- Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing on what they consider to be a private course.
- Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
- Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owners request.
- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.
- The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player...
Three Black Women
There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo ?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying > butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm n ot going to wear any panties....."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, "the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first!
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo ?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying > butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm n ot going to wear any panties....."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, "the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first!
Medication for rest of Life
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
Secret of Women's Rest Rooms
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Divorced woman and A Genie
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.
As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.
But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish.
The first wish was for a billion dollars.
The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach.
In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.
As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.
But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish.
The first wish was for a billion dollars.
The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach.
In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".
The seven kinds of passionate women
The seven kinds of passionate women
1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!
1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!
Stories - Age Difference
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
What was in the prince's pants?
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
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.
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M&M's of course..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
M&M's of course..
Operated by Son
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
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