A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Superman?
Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman?
Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.
When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "take your clothes off.
You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.
If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.
And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.
Sex as in Cricket
DEFENSIVE PLAY If done with WIFE
SIX OVER THE BOUNDARY. If done with LOVER
CAUTIOUS PLAY. If done with a VIRGIN
HIT AND RUN. If done with a PROSTITUTE.
COVER DRIVES. If done with a DIVORCEE.
HOOK SHOTS. If done with a WIDOW.
QUICK SINGLES. If done with an OLD WOMAN.
UPPISH STROKES. If done with OWN HAND.
RUN OUT. Premature ejaculation.
SIX OVER THE BOUNDARY. If done with LOVER
CAUTIOUS PLAY. If done with a VIRGIN
HIT AND RUN. If done with a PROSTITUTE.
COVER DRIVES. If done with a DIVORCEE.
HOOK SHOTS. If done with a WIDOW.
QUICK SINGLES. If done with an OLD WOMAN.
UPPISH STROKES. If done with OWN HAND.
RUN OUT. Premature ejaculation.
Liked the sermon?
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
Great Depression
During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.
One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.
Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.
Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.
So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.
At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.
"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"
The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"
The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"
One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.
Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.
Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.
So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.
At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.
"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"
The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"
The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"
The wrong answer
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
Student: The wrong answer.
May I be of assistance
The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?"
Stupid Questions & Silly Answers!!!
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Stupid Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Stupid Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Stupid Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Stupid Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Stupid Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. On some occasion: When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Stupid Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. At night: When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Stupid Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. After some time: When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Stupid Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist: When he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Stupid Answer: No it won?t. It will just bleed.
10. Someone sees you: You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Stupid Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Stupid Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Stupid Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Stupid Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Stupid Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Stupid Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. On some occasion: When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Stupid Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. At night: When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Stupid Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. After some time: When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Stupid Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist: When he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Stupid Answer: No it won?t. It will just bleed.
10. Someone sees you: You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Stupid Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Appropriate attire for worship
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
A typical Texas baby
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
Precise figure
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
What so funny?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,
"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,
"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"
Blind man parachuting
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Yeah, I know
A kidnapper was dragging a child into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary."
The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."
The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."
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