Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs enjoy rough play.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips, and like the wind blowing through their hair.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts, but appreciate any treat you give them.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about other dogs you have ever been with.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you act silly.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Best of all, dogs love you unconditionally -- through good times and bad.
Lawyer and Blonde Game
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Love, Lust & Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: Aroma -French perfume
Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: Aroma -French perfume
Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???
Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments
1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'
2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'
I’ll pay you back in monthly installments
It’s 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He’s two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.
There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”
There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”
Three Blondes
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"
The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"
The Ages of Woman
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.
Imaginery Creatures
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
All Alone
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Money Bill
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
Dating Guilt
Sheri, a pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
Why are you laughing
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"
'I'm in the secret service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
True mother-in-law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"
I can guess your age
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Daddy will do the trick
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again.”
Family problems
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, ‘You know, my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’
The American said, talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I
am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems…
The Indian fainted…
The Indian man said to the American, ‘You know, my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’
The American said, talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I
am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems…
The Indian fainted…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)