Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Seeback
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”
No answer.
“Seeback!”
No answer was heard again.
“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”
No answer.
“Seeback!”
No answer was heard again.
“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Goony Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cutereminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess. "
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make them cry.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cutereminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess. "
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make them cry.
How to get a BIMBO wife
Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all agog.
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
"Kids" Little Instructions on Life."
1. "Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
-Andrew, Age 9
2. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
-Rocky, age 9
3. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8
4. "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10
5. "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
-Carrol, age 9
6. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
-Nicholas, age 11
7. "Don't ever be too full for dessert."
-Kelly, age 10
8. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
-Heather, age 16
9. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14
10. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12
11. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13
12. "Never try to baptize a cat."
-Laura, age 13
13. "Never spit when on a roller coaster."
-Scott, age 11
14. "Never do pranks at a police station."
-Sam, age 10
15. "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10
16. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
-Hank, age 12
17. "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11
18. "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7
19. "Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9
20. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13
21. "Forget the cake, go for the icing."
-Cynthia, age 8
22. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
-Joanne, age 11
23. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12
-Andrew, Age 9
2. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
-Rocky, age 9
3. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8
4. "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10
5. "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
-Carrol, age 9
6. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
-Nicholas, age 11
7. "Don't ever be too full for dessert."
-Kelly, age 10
8. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
-Heather, age 16
9. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14
10. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12
11. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13
12. "Never try to baptize a cat."
-Laura, age 13
13. "Never spit when on a roller coaster."
-Scott, age 11
14. "Never do pranks at a police station."
-Sam, age 10
15. "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10
16. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
-Hank, age 12
17. "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11
18. "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7
19. "Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9
20. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13
21. "Forget the cake, go for the icing."
-Cynthia, age 8
22. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
-Joanne, age 11
23. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12
Code Word
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week.”
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week.”
What makes you so smart?
A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
If you firmed this up...
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.”
While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”
While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”
An abstract noun
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?” “Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
It was the strangest thing
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
A little hard to swallow
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."
She Was So Blonde
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
She put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She sat on the tv and watched the couch
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She tried to drown a fish
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
She tripped over a cordless phone
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
She studied for a blood test - and failed
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She sold the car for gas money
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
She put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She sat on the tv and watched the couch
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She tried to drown a fish
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
She tripped over a cordless phone
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
She studied for a blood test - and failed
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She sold the car for gas money
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)