This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
I didn't see
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television.
Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
What part of Lesbia
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
Cowboy Insurance
A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever had an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents?"
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, a rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents?"
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, a rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!"
Isn't this a nice place
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
Safari in Africa
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in is direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and made it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and made it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Socrates
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test”. “Triple filter?” “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?” “No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and …” “All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.
Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?” “No, on the contrary …”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?” “No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is not true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend and his wife.
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test”. “Triple filter?” “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?” “No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and …” “All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.
Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?” “No, on the contrary …”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?” “No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is not true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend and his wife.
When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?
When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?
Or at your memorial, or at whatever ceremony you plan for your family to
organize.
here are some of the choices already posted , you can add ur own :
Or at your memorial, or at whatever ceremony you plan for your family to
organize.
here are some of the choices already posted , you can add ur own :
- Baby Come Back!
- Ding dong the witch is dead.
- if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (everyone claps)
- Desperado--by the Eagles
- Wasted on the Way.
- "Hallelujah" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
- Sympathy for the Devil, Rolling Stones -- I'm taking his job!
- Old and Wise by Alan Parsons Project
- Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And
- Grooving With A Pict by Pink Floyd -- That'll be one funeral they won't be likely to forget.
- I'd like a medley of Village People hits. In the Navy and Kung Fu fighting are particularly apropos.
- Motorhead's ORGASMATRON
- "Thriller". I'd like the participants to learn the dance as well, and do it over my body.
- (Always Look On) The Bright Side of Life-Monty Python --- The way I figure it, I've spent the last 35 years being a smart@ss, I may as well go out on the same note.
The Perfect Husband...
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "Rs7,00,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs.11,50,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "Rs7,00,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs.11,50,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"
Charm school
Two informally dressed ladies started conversing during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The conversation turned to children. The first woman, from New York, started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman, a genteel Southerner, commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a crap?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"
The conversation turned to children. The first woman, from New York, started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman, a genteel Southerner, commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a crap?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"
A bear and a bunny
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
Irish detective
A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".
Kiss for Trade
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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