With one little wave of my hand
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Drunk
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Who was driving the stupid bus
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
It might be the light
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Never send a woman to Home Depot
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Who’s best at his job
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Blonde Praying for Help
There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems. So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't win.
The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." Once again, she doesn't win.
The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her:
"Cindy! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!!"
The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." Once again, she doesn't win.
The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her:
"Cindy! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!!"
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
- Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
- Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
- See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
- Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
- Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
- Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
- I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
- I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
- It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
- I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
- This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
- staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
- He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
- Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
- Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
Indian Government Job
Gopal goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
Gopal says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."
Gopal is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
Gopal says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."
Gopal is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
Being Hen
Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe Standing at the foot of his bed.
" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you?" He asked.
" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and You are in heaven."
" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
" It's not that easy", said St.Peter. " You can only return as a Dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is Too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
" I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really Nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna Blow. Then along came another hen.
" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"
" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going On. You need to lay an egg."
" How do I do that?" Rob asked.
" Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ' plop' an egg was on the ground.
" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that There was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting' all over the Bed!"
" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you?" He asked.
" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and You are in heaven."
" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
" It's not that easy", said St.Peter. " You can only return as a Dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is Too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
" I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really Nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna Blow. Then along came another hen.
" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"
" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going On. You need to lay an egg."
" How do I do that?" Rob asked.
" Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ' plop' an egg was on the ground.
" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that There was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting' all over the Bed!"
Naval captain
A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says "Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready"
The captain replies coolly "Go. Get my Red shirt."
The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, "Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?"
The captain replies "Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to fight with the same ferocity."
Just then another subordinate rushes over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction."
The captain replies coolly " Go.. Get my yellow trousers."
The captain replies coolly "Go. Get my Red shirt."
The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, "Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?"
The captain replies "Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to fight with the same ferocity."
Just then another subordinate rushes over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction."
The captain replies coolly " Go.. Get my yellow trousers."
but I was wrong
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome, those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong.
So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS..... but I was wrong.
One of the students said, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome, those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong.
So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS..... but I was wrong.
NOT IN THE MOOD
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!
"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW !!!!!!
loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!
"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW !!!!!!
Shit, I missed
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're going to love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're going to love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
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