United Steaks of Americs

HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

A new CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

Better Look Twice

Lifesavers

A teacher handed out some Lifesavers to her students.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange.……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

Virtual breasts

First there were email smilies and now there are email breasts
For those men out there - Feast your eyes upon these beauties.
For those women out there - be thankful you dont suffer from grandma breasts!!!
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
Q.Q. pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
o/ o/ grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
=~= =~= Mammogram breasts
)= )= I have to stop opening the freezer naked breasts...

Tight Pussy

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
“Put your finger in me…” she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit.
She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”.
The guy’s like, “OK!”.
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”.
So the guy squeezes both of his hands in.
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t!” says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

I Wish For...

America

Proof Reading

Waiter

Superman Simulator

Pacman

Biopsy Mix-up

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......

Women vs men english

Hillbilly bubble bath

Most Discriminating Sign

Toilet Cameras

To do or not to do

Its Called Marriage