Fatest Thing
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
I’ll poop on it’s head!
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on it’s head!”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on it’s head!”
You are the sixth today!
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today!”
“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today!”
Heavenly slide
Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.
The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.
The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.
Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".
But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.
The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.
The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.
Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".
You could have?
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a check and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a check and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Who killed Christ?
A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"
The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"
The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"
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