How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has got to want to change.
Joe an eternal optimist
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
Heavy Parcel
An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.
"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".
Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"
"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".
Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"
Stong enough for man, but made for woman
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.
The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.
The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
Bangin' her boyfriend
One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Little Johnny in First Grade
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny after a moment says: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny : Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Johnny: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Johnny: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Johnny: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Johnny: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Johnny: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny after a moment says: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny : Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Johnny: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Johnny: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Johnny: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Johnny: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Johnny: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
10 Words That Don't Exist But Should ......
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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