Bangin' her boyfriend
One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Little Johnny in First Grade
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny after a moment says: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny : Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Johnny: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Johnny: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Johnny: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Johnny: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Johnny: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny after a moment says: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny : Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Johnny: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Johnny: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Johnny: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Johnny: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Johnny: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
10 Words That Don't Exist But Should ......
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Were they ALL dead
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things.”
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things.”
Pre-menstrual Syndrome
The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dianne asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural b**ch."
Dianne asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural b**ch."
What should we do
Harry teed up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face.
He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious and with the ball lying between his feet.
"Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."
He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious and with the ball lying between his feet.
"Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."
Back to Earth
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Greek, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they give up the one thing that each of them wants most of all in life, not even to attempt to attain it.
BANG!! They're back in the same street they came from, all a bit shocked by the experience.
Within a few minutes, they're passing by a pizza shop. The Italian can't help himself, he runs in, and just as he's about to take a bite of pizza, BANG!!, the Italian disappears - he's gone back to Heaven.
The other two are quite shocked by this, but then continue on walking. Just then, a dollar coin rolls across the footpath in front of the two men. The Jew can't help himself, he bends over, and just as he's about to pick up the coin, BANG!!, the Greek disappears.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they give up the one thing that each of them wants most of all in life, not even to attempt to attain it.
BANG!! They're back in the same street they came from, all a bit shocked by the experience.
Within a few minutes, they're passing by a pizza shop. The Italian can't help himself, he runs in, and just as he's about to take a bite of pizza, BANG!!, the Italian disappears - he's gone back to Heaven.
The other two are quite shocked by this, but then continue on walking. Just then, a dollar coin rolls across the footpath in front of the two men. The Jew can't help himself, he bends over, and just as he's about to pick up the coin, BANG!!, the Greek disappears.
Weight machine
A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.
She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."
Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.
Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.
Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.
Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.
She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."
Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.
Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.
Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.
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