What Alcoholic Warning Labels Should Say
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to say shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that exlovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cannot remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to say shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that exlovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cannot remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
What did Eve say to Adam
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this.
One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, “And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh,” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty!”
The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again.
When the minister got to, “And who died on the cross to save us from our sins,” the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ!” The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, “And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?” the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, “I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I’ll break it off!”
The wife decided to do something about this.
One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, “And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh,” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty!”
The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again.
When the minister got to, “And who died on the cross to save us from our sins,” the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ!” The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, “And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?” the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, “I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I’ll break it off!”
I’m just working on the price
A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”
She quickly replies, “Yes.”
So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”
Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on the price.”
She quickly replies, “Yes.”
So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”
Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on the price.”
They did a great job
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s my “before” picture. They did a great job didn’t they?
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s my “before” picture. They did a great job didn’t they?
The hundred is from Grandma
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight .
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills .
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive"
"How much?" asked Grandpa .
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son ..
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow . "
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow .. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110 .
"I know," said Grandpa . "The hundred is from Grandma!" Very Happy
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills .
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive"
"How much?" asked Grandpa .
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son ..
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow . "
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow .. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110 .
"I know," said Grandpa . "The hundred is from Grandma!" Very Happy
You can't! I'll die
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
He said you're going to die
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Crying Husband
One night, a wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband in the kitchen, crying at the kitchen table.
"What's wrong, honey?"
He says, "Remember when we told your father you were pregnant, and he gave me two options: to marry you, or spend ten years in prison?"
"Yes, of course, and we've had several wonderful years of marriage since. But what's wrong?"
"I would have got out of prison today."
"What's wrong, honey?"
He says, "Remember when we told your father you were pregnant, and he gave me two options: to marry you, or spend ten years in prison?"
"Yes, of course, and we've had several wonderful years of marriage since. But what's wrong?"
"I would have got out of prison today."
Dog Breed that Juts Didn't Make it
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
How about nuclear power?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny's Prayer
Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.
Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"
Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!"
What do u think happens next?
Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"
Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!"
What do u think happens next?
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