He said you're going to die

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Crying Husband

One night, a wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband in the kitchen, crying at the kitchen table.

"What's wrong, honey?"

He says, "Remember when we told your father you were pregnant, and he gave me two options: to marry you, or spend ten years in prison?"

"Yes, of course, and we've had several wonderful years of marriage since. But what's wrong?"

"I would have got out of prison today."

Dog Breed that Juts Didn't Make it

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

How about nuclear power?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.

"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.

"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"

The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Little Johnny's Prayer

Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.

Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"

Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!"


What do u think happens next?

Spiderman after retirement

Clit Tree

Anaslex

Bite my both Eyes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

New Brain

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to use to get one ounce?"

Man + Women

♦ Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

♦ Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

♦ Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

♦ Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

We use Vaseline.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Which Bird brings Baby

One day, little Johnny asks his mother, "What kind of bird brings white babies?"

With a grin, his mother replies, "A stork does, dear."

Satisfied, little Johnny continues, "What kind of bird brings black babies?"

"A raven, dear."

Confused, little Johnny then asks: "Well, then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"

(His mother was getting irritated now)

"What do you think, dear?" asks his mother.

.
.
.


Little Johnny thinks for a minutes, then says, "A swallow!"

Children are getting smarter.

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?"

The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

The elder of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says.

And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs !!"

Penis requests a promotion

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early

Nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

The Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

I need a bike!

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Mommy's Black Sponge

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"