There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
I did too
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”
The redhead replies, “Honey, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”
The redhead replies, “Honey, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
Won’t you please kiss me?
“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.
“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.
“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.
“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be making love to you.”
“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.
“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.
“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be making love to you.”
Grandpa
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards
Where are you getting all those anchors from?
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
What do you expect me to become, GOD?
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Good-looking horse
A man wanted to buy a horse from a farmer whose command of the English language was quite limited. The buyer told the farmer he wanted to buy a "good-looking horse."
They walked to the stable, and the buyer pointed to a specific horse that he wanted to buy.
The farmer replied, "But that is not a good-looking horse."
The buyer said, "But it is a good-looking horse."
The farmer insisted, "No, it is not a good-looking horse!"
I spite of the farmers protests, and obviously thinking that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the buyer bought the horse.
The next day he returned, furious, saying, "That horse you sold me is blind!"
The farmer replied, "I told you it is not a good-looking horse!"
They walked to the stable, and the buyer pointed to a specific horse that he wanted to buy.
The farmer replied, "But that is not a good-looking horse."
The buyer said, "But it is a good-looking horse."
The farmer insisted, "No, it is not a good-looking horse!"
I spite of the farmers protests, and obviously thinking that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the buyer bought the horse.
The next day he returned, furious, saying, "That horse you sold me is blind!"
The farmer replied, "I told you it is not a good-looking horse!"
Bad breath issue
A man goes to his doctor since he feels he has a bad breath issue.
His doctor runs a series of tests and awaits the results.
When he finally received them, he calls the man to his office.
"Well;" the doctor says, "the results are in."
"Don't keep me in suspense, doc!" The man says, "What is it."
The doctor replies that it's a couple things and says "You'll have to quit at least on of two things."
"Go on, what?" the man excitedly responds.
The doctor tells him he'll either have to quit scratching his rear or biting his fingernails.
His doctor runs a series of tests and awaits the results.
When he finally received them, he calls the man to his office.
"Well;" the doctor says, "the results are in."
"Don't keep me in suspense, doc!" The man says, "What is it."
The doctor replies that it's a couple things and says "You'll have to quit at least on of two things."
"Go on, what?" the man excitedly responds.
The doctor tells him he'll either have to quit scratching his rear or biting his fingernails.
You had a prescription
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.
The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
But we only have ONE lawyer
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment.
The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.
Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.
"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"
"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.
Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.
"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"
"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
Everything but my earrings
The owner of a golf course in Mississippi was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some help with the math. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off.?
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied..... "Everything but my earrings!"
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied..... "Everything but my earrings!"
There's always going to be a string attached
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.
There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.
There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Who's Incharge
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
Kumar: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
Kumar: *faints*
Kumar: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
Kumar: *faints*
I have to shake hands
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners to fifth graders asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”
The teacher fainted.
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”
The teacher fainted.
Name the Fifth Child?
Micheal's mother has five children.
First Child is called March.
Second is May.
Third is July.
Fourth is September.
What is the name of Fifth Child?
First Child is called March.
Second is May.
Third is July.
Fourth is September.
What is the name of Fifth Child?
True Blonde
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad.
Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hoo-ters."
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad.
Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hoo-ters."
A woman's and man's poem
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand...
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with a small butt, 36DD's;
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand...
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with a small butt, 36DD's;
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End
Are you giving up?
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
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