A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says: "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies: "The one on the right."
''That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies," I didn't like her!"
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Maybe, she didn't get the fax
Banta : I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife Preeto that I'd be home tonight, and when I got into my room I found Preeto in another man's arms.
Santa : kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, she didn't get the fax."
Santa : kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, she didn't get the fax."
Momento
A friend asked a lady: "I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
"Yes, a strand of my husband's hair."
"But your husband's still alive!"
"Yes, but his hair's gone."
"Yes, a strand of my husband's hair."
"But your husband's still alive!"
"Yes, but his hair's gone."
If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
I'm new at this
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
Short Marriage Jokes
Joke 1
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Joke 2
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Joke 3
How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.
Joke 4
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Joke 2
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Joke 3
How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.
Joke 4
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
Geography Exam
Father : "Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."
Son : "It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
Son : "It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
Did I come here to die?
An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth’s atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.
He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.
“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
“No,” the Aussie nurse replies, “You came here yesterday.”
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.
He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.
“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
“No,” the Aussie nurse replies, “You came here yesterday.”
Do you have change for a dollar?
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar???”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, sir!”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, sir!”
You're in perfect health
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
I'm coming
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Elements: Man and Woman
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
------------
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to finda pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
------------
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to finda pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Maths
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Do you want me to start?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Definition of Kiss
- Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
- Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
- Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing
- Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips
- Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
- Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
- Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria
- Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
- Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
- Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
- Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
- Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
- Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
- Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable.
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