The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that? it didn't work."
How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Favorite Flower
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
Blind Date for Daughter
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"
Mary Lou
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine.
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”
Horse race
Three couples are are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on.
Deciding that this was an innovative idea, they went off of the men's restroom. Inside, the first man says "Mine's 6 inches", the second man says "Mine's 4 inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine's 2 inches, so that brings the total to 12".
So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money.
While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%".Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should get it all".
The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything".
Deciding that this was an innovative idea, they went off of the men's restroom. Inside, the first man says "Mine's 6 inches", the second man says "Mine's 4 inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine's 2 inches, so that brings the total to 12".
So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money.
While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%".Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should get it all".
The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything".
What did the eagle taste like?
A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.
A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.
In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”
“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “if I had to describe it, I’d say it tasted something like a cross between spotted owl and blue whale.”
A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.
In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”
“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “if I had to describe it, I’d say it tasted something like a cross between spotted owl and blue whale.”
Plough the land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Love Advice from Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Golf Advice
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
You might be a redneck if...
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
- Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Ethics
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
Now, here’s where the ethics come in:
should you or should you not tell your partner?”
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
Now, here’s where the ethics come in:
should you or should you not tell your partner?”
Fortune teller
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller’s tent for a laugh. “I see you’re the father of two,” says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. “Ha! That’s what you think,” says the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three.”
“Ha!” says the fortune-teller. “That’s what you think.”
“Ha!” says the fortune-teller. “That’s what you think.”
More One Liners
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take for it, but he can't get them out of the bottle.
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.
I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.
I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
Two blondes
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Your boat is going to leak
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde explore Native Island. They get attacked by Natives. The Natives say, "We need your skin to make our boats, so either we kill you, or you can kill yourselves with honour." The girls of course chose to kill themselves with honour, so the Natives show them a plate of weapons.
The brunette takes a knife, "I just want every one of you to know that I love my boyfriend very much." And she falls dead.
The redhead takes a dagger, "I just want every one one of you to know that I was about to graduate." And she falls dead.
The blonde goes to the dinner table and takes a fork. She stabs herself all over once, "I just want everyone to know that your boat is going to leak!"
The brunette takes a knife, "I just want every one of you to know that I love my boyfriend very much." And she falls dead.
The redhead takes a dagger, "I just want every one one of you to know that I was about to graduate." And she falls dead.
The blonde goes to the dinner table and takes a fork. She stabs herself all over once, "I just want everyone to know that your boat is going to leak!"
Hell, I can't get into your panties
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
Do Not Disturb
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.
"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.
"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
Shut up, you're next
A Blonde begins to suspect that her boyfriend of cheating on her. One night she decides to buy a gun.
The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.
The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.
As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.
The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.
As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
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