A brunette, a redhead and a blonde explore Native Island. They get attacked by Natives. The Natives say, "We need your skin to make our boats, so either we kill you, or you can kill yourselves with honour." The girls of course chose to kill themselves with honour, so the Natives show them a plate of weapons.
The brunette takes a knife, "I just want every one of you to know that I love my boyfriend very much." And she falls dead.
The redhead takes a dagger, "I just want every one one of you to know that I was about to graduate." And she falls dead.
The blonde goes to the dinner table and takes a fork. She stabs herself all over once, "I just want everyone to know that your boat is going to leak!"
Hell, I can't get into your panties
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
Do Not Disturb
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.
"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.
"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
Shut up, you're next
A Blonde begins to suspect that her boyfriend of cheating on her. One night she decides to buy a gun.
The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.
The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.
As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.
The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.
As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
About to die
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"
Red Tomatoes
A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to...
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to...
I think I need a different attorney
LAWYER : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
LAWYER : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
Lawyer : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
WITNESS : Yes.
LAWYER : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
Lawyer : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Reading Email
A South American scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with very low intelligence read their
Emails with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late buddy
after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with very low intelligence read their
Emails with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late buddy
Prayers Before Eating
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Cholesterol Free
Sardar starts shouting in a store......
where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTEROL FREE.
where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTEROL FREE.
Hearing Problem
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Sardar Interview
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar : Simple, stop imagining.
Sardar : Simple, stop imagining.
Positive Attitude
HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE :
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
Shooting
Judge: why did u shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Sardar: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Bears in Family Court
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Sardar Dreams
Sardar: In my dreams rats play football every night
Doctor: take this tablet you will be OK
Saradar: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final match
Doctor: take this tablet you will be OK
Saradar: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final match
Fifty Dollars
Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
Doctor: Fifty dollars.
Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second's work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
Doctor: Fifty dollars.
Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second's work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
So, she became a man
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
Wanna hear a blonde joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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