A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Texan Farmer Travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Doggie Style
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. One said, “I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way?” So they made a bet of $10 on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liquor.
After a week, they met in a bar. “Well”, said the first guy, “How much liquor did it take?” “A pint of whiskey”, replied the other guy. The first guy said “You win, it took me a whole bottle just to get my wife out in the yard.”
After a week, they met in a bar. “Well”, said the first guy, “How much liquor did it take?” “A pint of whiskey”, replied the other guy. The first guy said “You win, it took me a whole bottle just to get my wife out in the yard.”
Is this her first child
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Best Beer
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”
The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”
The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Gas
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women won't be quiet long enough to build up pressure!
Because women won't be quiet long enough to build up pressure!
32 Universal Truths
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Redneck Love Poem
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, "diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do, cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Luv, BUBBA
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, "diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do, cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Luv, BUBBA
Redneck Wedding Night
This redneck couple get married.
They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,
"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home.
He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,
"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home.
He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
They don't let you fart here
A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".
"What's that, asked the son?"
"They don't let you fart here"!
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".
"What's that, asked the son?"
"They don't let you fart here"!
Never make a woman angry
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
20,000 leagues under the sea
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some guys and gals?
- You know who you're dealing with.
- You know when you've had enough.
- You don't have to be polite afterward
I’m sure it will be all right
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”
Second Opinion
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
Stiff At Last
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
There will be sex here at seven o'clock
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
Should bought a hat
An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my brand new BOOTS!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my brand new BOOTS!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”
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