The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Blood transfusions

American Medical Association researchers have found that

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know...

The Blind Man

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

The Surgeon and The Mechanic

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work like a new one. So how come you get the big money, when we're doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....









"Try to do it when the engine is running ".

An American, a Scot and a Canuk

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Great trade

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

Two Irish in a Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Christ was Irish

How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

I’m going to become a hooker

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”

Retirement Sex

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

Barack Obama TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel

ABC: Another Barack Channel

MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel

CBS: Continuous Barack Show

FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

Life's Saving

Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

Do you have a street name?

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Small Income

Darling,” said the swooning man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she said. “But what will you live on?”

Hammering

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!

What is the axis of the earth?

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Pregnant Wife and Desperate Husband

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. "Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to Katie next door, she will give you some sex tonight, and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "Katie said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty for some sex!"

She thinks to herself, "And that son of a bitch is the one that knocked me up."

Priceless Answer

My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty doctor that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times.

I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having s*x?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"

What He Says, What He Means

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."