A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Christ was Irish
How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
I’m going to become a hooker
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
Retirement Sex
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
Barack Obama TV News Acronyms
NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes
Life's Saving
Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?
Do you have a street name?
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”
Small Income
Darling,” said the swooning man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she said. “But what will you live on?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she said. “But what will you live on?”
Hammering
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!
A: The noise gave her a headache!
What is the axis of the earth?
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Golden wedding anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Pregnant Wife and Desperate Husband
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. "Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to Katie next door, she will give you some sex tonight, and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "Katie said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty for some sex!"
She thinks to herself, "And that son of a bitch is the one that knocked me up."
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. "Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to Katie next door, she will give you some sex tonight, and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "Katie said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty for some sex!"
She thinks to herself, "And that son of a bitch is the one that knocked me up."
Priceless Answer
My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty doctor that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times.
I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having s*x?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having s*x?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
What He Says, What He Means
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Close your Eyes
The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.
The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.
He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.
He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
Birth control pills
The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. “To help me sleep better.” Birth control pills don’t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. “Yes they do,” the man insisted, “I put them in my daughter’s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.”
Whats Wrong
Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
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