A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
How to do Business?
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Biology instructor
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Mom In Florida
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”
Blonde on Plane
There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde’s mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won’t move. All she says is, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won’t move. All she says is, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde’s ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, “Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York!”
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won’t move. All she says is, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde’s ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, “Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York!”
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
“Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
“Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
Winning Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out-standing in their field."
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out-standing in their field."
Blonde on Diet
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Out of Nowhere
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "How will talking to me help?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
The woman looked puzzled. "How will talking to me help?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Adam and Eve
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God
Guilt Ridden
One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to some one I am so guilt ridden."
Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help." "Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got and I just have to get it off my chest."
"That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them are vets.
Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help." "Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got and I just have to get it off my chest."
"That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them are vets.
Doggie Conversation
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
Woman Satisfying Dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
Little Timmy
Can you spare just $2? Timmy is a nine year old boy living in Detroit. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it’s fucking hilarious.
This ones yours!
One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, “Honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat.”
“Twenty dollars!… are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, “You see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine.”
He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He looks over to his wife and says, “Honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?”
“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifts up her skirt.
“You see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”
“Twenty dollars!… are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, “You see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine.”
He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He looks over to his wife and says, “Honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?”
“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifts up her skirt.
“You see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”
Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'
10 things men wont say
- Let's watch Lifetime!
- Sex is overrated.
- I don't want to go too far on the first date.
- Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
- There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
- I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
- My hips are too big.
- Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
- Does this suit make me look fat?
- I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
Two rednecks go fishing
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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