Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones.
As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.
“Before I got married, I had it all,” Stanislaw explains.
“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money.
But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family.
Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’
So I took his advice.
I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds.
And now here we are. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I’m not even thirsty!”
Two campers
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
Fifth Wish
Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, “I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes.”
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe’s mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe’s mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob’s mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, “Women… we need women!”
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world’s sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe’s mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob’s mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, “Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy…this is our lucky day!…Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much…Wish, Man, Wish!”
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, “Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!”
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, “I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes.”
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe’s mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe’s mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob’s mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, “Women… we need women!”
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world’s sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe’s mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob’s mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, “Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy…this is our lucky day!…Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much…Wish, Man, Wish!”
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, “Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!”
It makes me look sexy
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price
Baseball v/s porn
A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.
“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”
“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.
“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”
Medicine
This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.
The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.
The man replies, Okay.
Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.
All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.
The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.
The man replies, Okay.
Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.
All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.
Car Trouble
A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What';s the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
She says, "What';s the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Blonde Logic
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde replied by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Times.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Well, gee," answered the blond, "They are watch dogs."
The blonde replied by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Times.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Well, gee," answered the blond, "They are watch dogs."
Move to Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Worried groom
A young man gets married. After the first night, his friend asked him,
'Hey, how was the night? Somehow you look slightly worried.'
Replied the young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her 100 dollars!'
'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled the friend.
'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned 20 dollars!'
'Hey, how was the night? Somehow you look slightly worried.'
Replied the young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her 100 dollars!'
'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled the friend.
'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned 20 dollars!'
Yo mama is so lazy
- Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
- Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
- Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama is so skinny
- Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
- Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
- Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
Mad cow disease
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
Feed the Baby
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
He came and he went
87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says,
"I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says,
"I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went.
Responsibility
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good afternoon. Your daughter has informed me of what has occurred. However, I'm unable to marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take full responsibility.
If a girl child is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, then a factory and $1,000,000 to each. However, if there should be a miscarriage, what would you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good afternoon. Your daughter has informed me of what has occurred. However, I'm unable to marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take full responsibility.
If a girl child is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, then a factory and $1,000,000 to each. However, if there should be a miscarriage, what would you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
Tough Mice
Three Mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times !!"
The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila, grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can,
grind it up and take it home and put in my coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says:
"I have no time for all this bullshit, I gotta go home and fuck the Cat."
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times !!"
The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila, grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can,
grind it up and take it home and put in my coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says:
"I have no time for all this bullshit, I gotta go home and fuck the Cat."
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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