Planting Chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Keep of the Grass

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Redneck 911

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "Oh my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy, let me help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions, OK? First, lets make sure he's really dead."

There's a short pause, during which the operator hears a gun shot. The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Crossing circles

Best Bar in the World

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Irish, English and Scottish and a Genie

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Why can't they play at night

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman & an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"


George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea.. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Tried Once

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.

The young guy says, “Hey, how about a round of golf?

”"Nah,” the older fellow replies, “tried it once, didn’t like it.”

"Well, how about a swim? It’ll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.”

"Nah,” the older fellow responds, “tried it once, didn’t like it.”

Young guy says, “Well, how about a game of tennis?”"

Naw, tried it once and didn’t like it. But my son will be here soon. He’s usually up for a game or two.”

The younger guy replies, “Your only child I presume?”

Sperm Donation

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: 'What are you doing here today?'

Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'

Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'

Amazing Illusion

Hey, this actually happens! Quite amazing!

This is the craziest thing seen after a long time.

You have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.

People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.

When you look at this picture close up, you see Albert Einstein,

but if you stand about fifteen feet away,

What is Stress or Tension

A Beautiful ask for a lift from you

On the way she start feeling uneasy or sick

You take her to hospital

Doctor says you are going to become a Father

You are now under stress or tension

When asked to girl, she also says the same thing

Now you are under more stress or tension

You go to police and medical checkup

Reports say that you are not the Father of the child
As you can never become a Father

You are now under much more stress or tension

But you thanked God that you are safe

And then gave a thought

The two kids at home, whose kids are they

Now this is called real Stress or Tension

What does bible mean?

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'''

Lazy Predators

Scared sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.  "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think  there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody  on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going  crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to  me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you  ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Snowplowing and Blonde

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Michigan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

The rattlesnake farm

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.

After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real FRIENDS are.

Yo mama has

• Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
• Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
• Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
• Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
• Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
• Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
• Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
• Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.
• Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
• Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.
• Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
• Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.
• Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
• Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.
• Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.
• Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.

Yo mama is so greasy

• Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
• Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
• Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams
,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"

Funny Urinal