A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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What happened in Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”
Nashagai ana
An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.
As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."
The American asks, "What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."
As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"
The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."
The American asks, "What does that mean?"
The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."
Everyone knows Morton
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss’s surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin’s tour.
Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.”
Morton shrugs. “We play golf together.”
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”
Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.”
Morton shrugs. “We play golf together.”
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”
Yo mama is so stupid
- Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
- Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
- Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
- Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
- Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
- Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
- Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
- Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
- Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
- Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
- Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
- Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
- Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
- Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
- Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
- Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
- Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
- Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
- Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
- Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
- Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
- Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
- Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
- Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
- Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
- Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
- Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
- Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
- Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
- Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
- Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
- Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
- Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
- Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
- Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
- Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
- Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
- Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
- Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Black Eyes
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Who to Marry
There was a man who was seeing girlfriends, but did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $2000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, and tells the man, “I spent the money to look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.
”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, and tells the man, “I spent the money to look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.
”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Wedding and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Chinese Doctor
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American Docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American Docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’
Probability and Sex
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
Yo mama is so fat
- Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
- Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
- Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
- Yo mama so fat were in her right now
- Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
- Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
- Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
- Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
- Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
- Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
- Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
- Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
- Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
- Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
- Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
- Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
- Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
- Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
- Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
- Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
- Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
- Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
- Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
- Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
- Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
- Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
- Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
- Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
- Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
- Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
- Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
- Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
- Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
- Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
- Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
- Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
- Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
- Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
- Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
- Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
- Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
- Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
- Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
- Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
- Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
- Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
- Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
- Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
- Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
- Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
- Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
- Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
- Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
- Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
- Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
- Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
- Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
- Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
- Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
- Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
- Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
- Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
- Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
- Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
- Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
- Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
- Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
- Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
- Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
- Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
- Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
- Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
- Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
- Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
- Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
- Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
- Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
- Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
- Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
- Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
- Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
- Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
- Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
- Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
- Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
- Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
- Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
- Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
- Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
- Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
- Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
- Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
- Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
- Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
- Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
- Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
- Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
- Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
- Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
- Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
- Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
- Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
- Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
- Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
- Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
- Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
- Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
- Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
- Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
- Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
- Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
- Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
- Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
- Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Management Truth
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'
''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know ?''
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air within. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems." !!!
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'
''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know ?''
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air within. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems." !!!
Try to Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
A Blond MAN Joke
Here is a joke about a blond man, just for the sake of balance in the universe..
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he complains, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sounds like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her pack her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a p***s!!"
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he complains, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sounds like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her pack her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a p***s!!"
Dilbert's one liners
- I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
- A friend in need is a pest indeed.
- Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT
- Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
- When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
- The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
- Born free, taxed to death.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
- Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
- I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
- A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
- The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
- In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
- If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
- Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
- If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
- The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
- Someday is not a day of the week
- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
- The road to success.... Is always under construction.
- Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
- In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
- All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else!
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