During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how the staff determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to patients and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.
“Someone who is not insane would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” said the director, “someone who is not insane would pull the tub’s plug. Now, do you want a bed near the window?”
Are you Polish
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”
The clerk looks at him and asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?” Raising his voice, he continues, “Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”
The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”
The clerk quietly replies, “Um, because this is Home Depot.”
The clerk looks at him and asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?” Raising his voice, he continues, “Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”
The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”
The clerk quietly replies, “Um, because this is Home Depot.”
I’ll poop on it’s head!
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on it’s head!”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on it’s head!”
You just cook better now
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Shopping for Goods
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, ratty T shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes..
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but since you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door...
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?
Who farted?
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but since you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door...
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?
Who farted?
God Bless the Newfies
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Newfie are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear! "
Lastly, the Newfie's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus , Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, an the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurself up a bit."
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear! "
Lastly, the Newfie's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus , Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, an the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurself up a bit."
Peeping
A newly wed couple Naren and Nita came to live in an apartment where right across lived a young attractive man.
Naren was bragging to his friend, "My wife is so smart that she caught the guy across the window peeping us nude in action into our Apartment. She was so angered that she wanted to go there and kill the b*stard, if I didn't stop her."
The highly impressed friend praised, “You are lucky, she seems to be the woman of high family value, principles, and character."
Naren replied, “No man, she got mad when the guy across the window shut his window on us"
Naren was bragging to his friend, "My wife is so smart that she caught the guy across the window peeping us nude in action into our Apartment. She was so angered that she wanted to go there and kill the b*stard, if I didn't stop her."
The highly impressed friend praised, “You are lucky, she seems to be the woman of high family value, principles, and character."
Naren replied, “No man, she got mad when the guy across the window shut his window on us"
Deviation from tracks
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overrun that person.
The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overrun that person.
The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
I'm game
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Sensitive man
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?” The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?” The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
I'm getting a FAX
An American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna naked.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."
That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX"...
.... The other two fainted.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."
That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX"...
.... The other two fainted.
Blonde Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
The Obedient wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it .........
Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it .........
500 Euros If We Fail To Fulfill Your Order
A man walks into a restaurant and is taken by the notice above the kitchen door.
"500 Euros If We Fail To Fulfill Your Order"
Hmmm, the man thinks for a while and when the waiter comes up to take his order he says;
"Thank you, yes, I'll have thin strips of braised alligator leg - the front ones you understand, coated in birds nest stock, accompanied by Asparagus from the Champagne-Ardenne, New Zealand rind of lemons, all sprinkled with ground Pinon nuts - and rye bread please."
Well, the waiter sweats. He takes the order into the kitchen and pandemonium ensues. Pans clatter to the floor, there is the sound of cupboards being ransacked, wails from staff who get bashed by the screaming head chef, waitresses fleeing the kitchen in floods of tears, glasses falling and smashing, more deperate rummaging in cupboards, amid sobs from goodness knows who. Finally the noise abates and a very angry and dishevelled manager comes out, and slaps ten fifties onto the man's table.
"Your're lucky night!" he growls, "been in this business twenty years and it's the first time we ever ran out of rye bread!"
"500 Euros If We Fail To Fulfill Your Order"
Hmmm, the man thinks for a while and when the waiter comes up to take his order he says;
"Thank you, yes, I'll have thin strips of braised alligator leg - the front ones you understand, coated in birds nest stock, accompanied by Asparagus from the Champagne-Ardenne, New Zealand rind of lemons, all sprinkled with ground Pinon nuts - and rye bread please."
Well, the waiter sweats. He takes the order into the kitchen and pandemonium ensues. Pans clatter to the floor, there is the sound of cupboards being ransacked, wails from staff who get bashed by the screaming head chef, waitresses fleeing the kitchen in floods of tears, glasses falling and smashing, more deperate rummaging in cupboards, amid sobs from goodness knows who. Finally the noise abates and a very angry and dishevelled manager comes out, and slaps ten fifties onto the man's table.
"Your're lucky night!" he growls, "been in this business twenty years and it's the first time we ever ran out of rye bread!"
As You Say Madam
A woman comes into a restaurant, and on her way to her table, she notices a deliciously looking meal that another guest was having.
She sits down, and says to the waiter:
"Please bring me the same meal that the man over there is having."
A few minutes pass and the waiter returns with a big smile on his face and a meal on his tablet:
"I'm very sorry you had to wait this long, but I had a such a hard time taking it from him!"
She sits down, and says to the waiter:
"Please bring me the same meal that the man over there is having."
A few minutes pass and the waiter returns with a big smile on his face and a meal on his tablet:
"I'm very sorry you had to wait this long, but I had a such a hard time taking it from him!"
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