At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Bear Bells
In Alaska's Tongass National Forest, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic."
To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's easy," the guide explained. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's easy," the guide explained. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
Mother of six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.
Smart Soldiers
There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.
The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.
The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.
Sardar PHD
Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly todo a research on the roach.
He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.
He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.
He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:"Run". The roach ran.
This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not!
Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".
He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.
He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.
He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:"Run". The roach ran.
This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not!
Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".
Upper management trainee
A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, come in right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, come in right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Kids in Grade School
TEACHER: Why are you late?
Roland: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Roland: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Roland: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Roland: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Santa & Magic door
Santa took his wife and son into to the big city shopping one saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky scrapers.
Santa never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing.
They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask Santa what it was for?
Santa not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and Santa and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits.
Astonished, Santa looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's, "Son, I don't know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother."
Santa never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing.
They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask Santa what it was for?
Santa not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and Santa and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits.
Astonished, Santa looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's, "Son, I don't know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother."
Hiding Blonde
There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!
Sam and John
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
Blind Horse
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”
Stupid Questions
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
There is always a way out
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
What's Wrong
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
Happy marriage
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together .
Socrates
By all means marry . If you get a good wife, you'll be happy . If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher .
Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them .
Dumas
The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer . . . is,
"What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me .
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage . We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week . A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays . "
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking . It's called marriage . "
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives . . The first one left me, and the second one didn't . "
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1 . Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2 . Whenever you're right, shut up .
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once . . .
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to .
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years . Then we met .
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together .
Socrates
By all means marry . If you get a good wife, you'll be happy . If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher .
Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them .
Dumas
The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer . . . is,
"What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me .
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage . We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week . A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays . "
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking . It's called marriage . "
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives . . The first one left me, and the second one didn't . "
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1 . Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2 . Whenever you're right, shut up .
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once . . .
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to .
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years . Then we met .
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .
I need more rope
One day two rednecks decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope."
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope."
Plumber and Doctor
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
Ghosts
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
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