I forwarded that email to 10 people...
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters, or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...
Still Waiting
I did what you asked.
I forwarded that email to 10 people...
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters, or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...
I forwarded that email to 10 people...
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters, or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...
What a coincidence
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
Having first Child
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Talking clock
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”
“You’re crazy. Show me how it works then!”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the fricking morning!”
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”
“You’re crazy. Show me how it works then!”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the fricking morning!”
Who’s best at his job
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Wife was mad at me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
A ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
You are the sixth today
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today!”
“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today!”
Dangerous Criminal
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
SIX inches off the ground
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m in such a bad, BAD mood!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’
Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’
Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”
“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”
“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the
“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
Good bye, Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.” “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.” The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk. “How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.” “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.” The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk. “How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.
Framed
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.
She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.
When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.
She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.
When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
Fly swatter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
So did i
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Now Thats Smart
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Sex Lives
Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic.
On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."
First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic.
On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."
Bus Driver
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Paint the hall
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
Reason for a Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Men are just happier people
NICKNAMES
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument.
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.(hahaha this is funny !!!)
OFFSPRING
. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument.
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.(hahaha this is funny !!!)
OFFSPRING
. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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