Doctor, the prescription you gave me makes me have an orgasm every time I sneeze!”
“Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”
“Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”
This is the pig I sleep with
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.
“This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache,” he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”
He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
“This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache,” he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”
He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Horse Riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Only Species
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
Sports bar
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”
The redhead replies, “Honey, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”
The redhead replies, “Honey, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
$100,000 quiz
Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”
“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”
“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.”
“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”
“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”
“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.”
“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”
I think Mommy ate it
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Must help my Wife
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
Be my Valentine
A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Video rental
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
Dogs and Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Australian ventriloquist
Once an Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yes”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it.
Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.
Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?
Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us
Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it.
Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.
Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?
Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us
Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.
The Cats' Bill Of Rights
- Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.
- A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.
- The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.
- Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.
- The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as they're cute. And even if they're not.
- Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes.
- No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: Nodogs in the house without my permission.
- The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.
Go to hell
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Weight Loss
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
They did a great job didn’t they
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s my “before” picture. They did a great job didn’t they?
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s my “before” picture. They did a great job didn’t they?
Wrong Number
A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What pool?”
“Uh….. Is this 555-4821?”
“This is the maid,” answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What pool?”
“Uh….. Is this 555-4821?”
How-how long do I have?
A doctor tells his patient “I have some bad news for you. I got your test results. And you don’t have much longer left to live.”
The patient says “How-how long do I have?”
The doctor says “Ten.”
Ten? Ten what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten weeks?
The doctor says “Nine…. Eight… Seven…”
The patient says “How-how long do I have?”
The doctor says “Ten.”
Ten? Ten what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten weeks?
The doctor says “Nine…. Eight… Seven…”
Car trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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