Apparently the computer giant IBM decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept only three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.
'We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices.
But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment in a separate packaging clearly mentioned ' defective pieces as required, not for use'. Hope this pleases you.'
The Blind Salesman
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday but she doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter and a Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line and It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter...I'll take it!' and as she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted...Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?...How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes Ma'am...The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
She says, ''Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line and It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter...I'll take it!' and as she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted...Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?...How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes Ma'am...The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
A case of mistaken identity
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Eat the Watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Out of Town
A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back.
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her bad. She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterwards, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her bad. She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterwards, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!
Onestone
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he screwed her all day, he screwed her all night, he screwed her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Red Bird returned to the village after many years away. Red Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "It's good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Red Bird wouldn't die.
What is the moral of the story?
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he screwed her all day, he screwed her all night, he screwed her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Red Bird returned to the village after many years away. Red Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "It's good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Red Bird wouldn't die.
What is the moral of the story?
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.
Passwords Kids
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Self Appraisal
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone.
He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digit phone numbers.
The store-owner observed & curiously listened to the conversation: Boy: "Ma'am, can you please give me the job of cutting your lawn"?
Woman: "No thanks. I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: "I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn".
Boy: (with more perseverance): "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in the entire area..."
Woman: "No, thank you"!
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Hey Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No, thanks"!
Store Owner: "But you were really pleading for one"!!
Boy: "No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one, who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"
:-)
That’s what is called "Self-Appraisal"... Often talked, seldom done, irrespective, of the profession!
He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digit phone numbers.
The store-owner observed & curiously listened to the conversation: Boy: "Ma'am, can you please give me the job of cutting your lawn"?
Woman: "No thanks. I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: "I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn".
Boy: (with more perseverance): "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in the entire area..."
Woman: "No, thank you"!
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Hey Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No, thanks"!
Store Owner: "But you were really pleading for one"!!
Boy: "No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one, who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"
:-)
That’s what is called "Self-Appraisal"... Often talked, seldom done, irrespective, of the profession!
Don't Fart in Bed!
If this story doesn ' t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I ' ll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was
the husband ' s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air... Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn ' t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by
and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver an d all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, ' Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn ' t listen to you.'
'What do you mean? ' asked his wife. ' Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was
the husband ' s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air... Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn ' t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by
and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver an d all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, ' Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn ' t listen to you.'
'What do you mean? ' asked his wife. ' Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
We are honorable liars
Hey all of us know this story, yet i'm requesting you to read it again, the full story ... ok?
Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE LIARS!!!!!!"
Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE LIARS!!!!!!"
The new age
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'
First I got.....
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."
A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Sucking thumb
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
A forester and a lawyer in heaven
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
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