The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into t he car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don 't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
New Boots
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona.Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Sam... ya shoulda bought a hat."
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Sam... ya shoulda bought a hat."
Kids and their Questions
A Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother leaves and the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you're 35."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother leaves and the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you're 35."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Blonde at Appliance Store
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Life isn't fair to men..
*Thought 1* :
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be
liberated from?
*Thought 2* :
The average man's life consists of Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
*Thought 3* :
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?' 'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked. 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be
liberated from?
*Thought 2* :
The average man's life consists of Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
*Thought 3* :
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?' 'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked. 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Importance of Sex Education
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
How to Shower
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
- Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
- If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower.
- Wash your face
- Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
- Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
- Shampoo your hair.
- Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
- Pee.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.
If you firmed this up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.” While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”
Wrong way on I25
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her cell phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s freaking hundreds of them!”
It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s freaking hundreds of them!”
I Belong in B.E.D
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos.
They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them.
The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”
They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them.
The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”
Horrible Death
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
Maybe you should wear your pants backwards
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards too!.”
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards too!.”
Countryman
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. “I want to be a lawyer,” Joe began, “so that I can defend my countrymen.”
“I want to be a congressman,” said Mike, “so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.”
“I want to be a doctor,” said Mary, “so that I can cure my countrymen.”
“How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?” asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, “I’d like to be a countryman.”
“I want to be a congressman,” said Mike, “so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.”
“I want to be a doctor,” said Mary, “so that I can cure my countrymen.”
“How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?” asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, “I’d like to be a countryman.”
10 years ago
A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
Fallen
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week.”
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week.”
Putting body parts to sleep
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.
"Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
Aunt karen
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
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