A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?" proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
Too Loooong
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, `will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . And for the last time, NO!"
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, `will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . And for the last time, NO!"
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Golf Buddies
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Blonde NASA Engineer
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T
TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T
TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
I like the way you think
Dirty Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!"
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!"
To Barber's house
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks,
"Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks,
"Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
The Pastor's Ass
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES *
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES *
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT *
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
*GO IN PEACE. *
*YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.*
*SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.*
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES *
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES *
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT *
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
*GO IN PEACE. *
*YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.*
*SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.*
Husband VS Wife
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* *********
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute. I asked you to marry me.
************ ** ******* ********* *********
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* *********
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute. I asked you to marry me.
************ ** ******* ********* *********
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
Things in Golf that Sound Dirty
- Look at the size of his putter.
- Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
- You really waked the hell out of that sucker.
- After 18 holes I can barely walk.
- My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
- Lift your head and spread your legs.
- You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
- Just turn your back and drop it.
- Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
- Damn, I missed the hole again.
Pink Curtains
A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"
Preacher`s Salary
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'."
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'."
Convertible
There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."
The dad replied "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."
The dad replied "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."
Who Enjoy Sex More
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”
Santa goes to buy a book
Santa Singh goes to a Library and asks for a book "Psyco- the- rapist".
The Librarian searches for an hour, comes back and slaps him
and says "IDIOT-the Book is called Psycotherapist".
The Librarian searches for an hour, comes back and slaps him
and says "IDIOT-the Book is called Psycotherapist".
Husband and Wife - How the fights start?
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
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