A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me.......
Office Inspirational Posters:
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
- Plagarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I am Hiding !!!!
A telephone salesperson makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???
Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too...
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???
Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too...
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
The Christmas Gift
The time is mid December some year, and Norway has a new ambassador in the USA since two months. The telephone rings at his office.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times, I wonder what you would like for Christmas present.
The new ambassador isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there won't be any scandal.
- Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador.
The next day, the phone rings again.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times. I'm still interested in what you would like to have for Christmas present.
The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation ends. The next day, the New York Times journalist rings again. This time the ambassador is quite upset.
- I thought, I told you already. No presents!
Then he said.
- Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would.
Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure; a fruit bowl is harmless and won't cause any scandal.
Two days later, the New York Times writes......
WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world.
France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations
Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starvations in the third world.
.
.
.
Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times, I wonder what you would like for Christmas present.
The new ambassador isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there won't be any scandal.
- Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador.
The next day, the phone rings again.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times. I'm still interested in what you would like to have for Christmas present.
The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation ends. The next day, the New York Times journalist rings again. This time the ambassador is quite upset.
- I thought, I told you already. No presents!
Then he said.
- Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would.
Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure; a fruit bowl is harmless and won't cause any scandal.
Two days later, the New York Times writes......
WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world.
France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations
Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starvations in the third world.
.
.
.
Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.
Moods
The Moods of a Woman:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose.
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man:
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose.
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man:
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
Lady Elephant
So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I`ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!"
And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I`ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!"
And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"
2 Mexican on a Bikes
Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."
The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."
The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
I can't keep a secret
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....
On a Patch
"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
Compilation of Mexican Words
'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.
'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!
'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.
'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.
'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.
'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!
'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.
'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!
'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.
'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.
'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.
'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.
'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.
'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!
'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!
'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.
'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.
'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.
'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!
'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.
'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!
'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.
'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.
'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.
'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.
'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.
'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!
'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
Three Married Couples
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Scrumptiuos Platter
An American was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."
Husband and Wife Talking in Bed
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Grandma and Grandpa
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said: "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care:" said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said: "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa "The hundred is from Grandma!"
The son said: "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care:" said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said: "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa "The hundred is from Grandma!"
The Blonde and Two Chimps
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
I have changed my mind - Hilarious
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Jon and Dan
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says: "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says: "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
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