Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."
The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
I can't keep a secret
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....
On a Patch
"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
Compilation of Mexican Words
'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.
'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!
'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.
'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.
'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.
'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!
'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.
'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!
'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.
'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.
'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.
'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.
'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.
'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!
'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!
'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.
'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.
'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.
'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!
'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.
'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!
'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.
'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.
'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.
'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.
'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.
'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!
'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
Three Married Couples
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Scrumptiuos Platter
An American was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."
Husband and Wife Talking in Bed
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Grandma and Grandpa
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said: "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care:" said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said: "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa "The hundred is from Grandma!"
The son said: "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care:" said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said: "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa "The hundred is from Grandma!"
The Blonde and Two Chimps
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
I have changed my mind - Hilarious
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
Jon and Dan
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says: "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says: "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
Hilarious One Liners
- Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
- Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
- A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
- You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
- Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
- Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
- Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
- It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
- Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
- Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
- They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
- It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
- There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
- There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.
Senior Couple at a Gas Station
A senior couple pulls up to a gas station: Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up. Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive. Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you
Old Man: Please fill it up. Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive. Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you
Big John doesn’t pay!
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down the ground.He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.
The driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek… Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened Big John got on again, said “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This irritated the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of his size.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building program, karate, judo and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
So on the next Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, “ Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a Bus pass.”
Moral of the story: First be sure is there a problem before working hard to solve one. :D
The driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek… Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened Big John got on again, said “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This irritated the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of his size.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building program, karate, judo and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
So on the next Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, “ Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a Bus pass.”
Moral of the story: First be sure is there a problem before working hard to solve one. :D
I was the boy
Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar views regarding the administration of his particular room.
The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually smiling face.
"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"
"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.
"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like that. What's wrong with the school?"
"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"
"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"
"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just sat there an' seen her do it!"
"And what did you do, Johnny?"
"I didn't do nothin'—I was the boy!"—
The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually smiling face.
"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"
"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.
"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like that. What's wrong with the school?"
"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"
"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"
"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just sat there an' seen her do it!"
"And what did you do, Johnny?"
"I didn't do nothin'—I was the boy!"—
Who's First
A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to her, though she knew it was a great risk.
"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight—a walk on the beach in the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing—and I want you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."
The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one and said anxiously:
"Well, did you ask him?"
"No, dear."
"No? Why not?"
"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."
"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight—a walk on the beach in the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing—and I want you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."
The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one and said anxiously:
"Well, did you ask him?"
"No, dear."
"No? Why not?"
"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."
10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
***********
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
***********
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
***********
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
***********
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
***********
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
***********
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
***********
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
***********
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
***********
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
***********
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
***********
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
***********
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
***********
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
***********
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
***********
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
***********
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
***********
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
***********
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
***********
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
***********
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled.
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