In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! " At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that maybe we were friends."
Pest Problem
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house??????
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house??????
Why professionals are Dirty?
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Can you guess my age ?
Julie decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk:
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 31," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Julie says, feeling really happy.
After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 35".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while sitting in a restaurant, she asks a man sitting near her-
"How old do you think I am ?"
He replies, "My eyesight fails me however, when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your bra and play with your boobs for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, Julie thinks: What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her bra.
Ten minutes later, the man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the Julie says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The Man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk:
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 31," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Julie says, feeling really happy.
After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 35".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while sitting in a restaurant, she asks a man sitting near her-
"How old do you think I am ?"
He replies, "My eyesight fails me however, when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your bra and play with your boobs for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, Julie thinks: What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her bra.
Ten minutes later, the man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the Julie says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The Man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Blonde Mother
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast is hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, Officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus !”
She says, “Why, Officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus !”
HUSBANDS FOR SALE ! !
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Blonde in a Snowstorm
A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank.
Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank.
Women's T-Shirt Sayings
- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- I hate everybody, and you're next.
- Please don't make me kill you.
- And your point is...?
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
- You KNOW you want me.
- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
SO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY!
Whoever put this together is some kind of genius......it would have taken him or her a month of Sundays. Happy reading and enjoy.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
18) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
19) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
18) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
19) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Hillarious URLs:
In today's world the Key is a good domain Name....
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… for it… is: www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… for it… is: www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
Trophy Girlfriend !
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Blondes
A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town.
As he was going down the road five Blondes were standing beside the road hitchhiking.
The farmer picked them up, one blonde got in the front and the other four blondes got in the back.
As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.
The farmer couldn’t stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.
The farmer and the blonde that were up front come up out of the water a minute later.
They kept waiting for others in the back to come up.
The farmer said, “I wonder where they are?”
The blonde said, “May be they drowned.”
About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, “What the Hell took you so long?”
The four blondes said, “We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"
As he was going down the road five Blondes were standing beside the road hitchhiking.
The farmer picked them up, one blonde got in the front and the other four blondes got in the back.
As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.
The farmer couldn’t stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.
The farmer and the blonde that were up front come up out of the water a minute later.
They kept waiting for others in the back to come up.
The farmer said, “I wonder where they are?”
The blonde said, “May be they drowned.”
About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, “What the Hell took you so long?”
The four blondes said, “We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"
Equal Privileges
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
Goodnight, Goodbye!
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a Strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy carp" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every Sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work So late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She replied, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a Strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy carp" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every Sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work So late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She replied, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
Women VS Beer
Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India ... to help you analyze which is better ! Here is the debate .......
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !
Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !
A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !
If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )
10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !
The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !
Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !
If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !
For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !
If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !
You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !
You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !
A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !
You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !
So the Score is ........... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !
If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ......... know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !
Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !
A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !
If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )
10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !
The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !
Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !
If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !
For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !
If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !
You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !
You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !
A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !
You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !
So the Score is ........... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !
If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ......... know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !
The Awesome Power of a Wifes Love
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
Women on Phone
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After junior hadcalled, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!!
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at Present.
"Please Try Again Later"...
After junior hadcalled, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!!
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at Present.
"Please Try Again Later"...
If Men Arranged Weddings...
1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..
4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched
in the head.
9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
12) Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
13) Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really does add up.
14) Men wouldn’t ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
15) Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
16) The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.
17) Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of bar-b-que.
18) No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
19) The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.
20) Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.
He’s getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up,
B) Couldn’t get a different roommate, or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of this life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday’s
Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.
2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..
4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched
in the head.
9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
12) Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
13) Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really does add up.
14) Men wouldn’t ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
15) Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
16) The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.
17) Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of bar-b-que.
18) No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
19) The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.
20) Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.
He’s getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up,
B) Couldn’t get a different roommate, or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of this life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday’s
Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.
10 Downfalls Of Manhood Of
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your rest rooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first"
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your rest rooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first"
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