A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
The Game between a barber and a boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Married Couple At The Bar
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Affair With The Secretary
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
A Really Nasty Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Marriage Quips
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette
• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason
• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• What Exactly Is Marriage??
• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6
• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9
• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??
• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8
• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.
• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5
• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??
• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9
• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8
• What Do Most People Do On A Date??
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9
• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??
• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10
• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9
• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??
• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10
• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9
• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7
• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason
• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• What Exactly Is Marriage??
• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6
• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9
• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??
• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8
• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.
• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5
• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??
• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9
• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8
• What Do Most People Do On A Date??
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9
• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??
• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10
• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9
• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??
• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10
• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9
• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7
The Best Pilot
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
Memorial
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Gujarati Funeral
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Baa) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.
On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.
On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days
Hillary's Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation: In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
On Top Of Strawberry Hill
There were three guys who were late to class.
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".
Questions you never bothered thinking of
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
- When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Accused of Murder
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
Jealous Husband...
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Little Jhonny tells a story
Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and gointo the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
Little Johnny at Bible Study
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the Twenty-third Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”
What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.
What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.
Mom and Dad, A mystery for a young chap!!!!
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him.
He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
Sleeping with BOB
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
- Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
- Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)
- Thou shall not steal from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
- Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
- Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
- Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
- Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
- Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
- Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike says just do it)
- Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
They have explaining to do
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
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