A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
A Really Nasty Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Marriage Quips
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette
• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason
• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• What Exactly Is Marriage??
• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6
• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9
• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??
• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8
• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.
• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5
• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??
• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9
• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8
• What Do Most People Do On A Date??
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9
• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??
• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10
• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9
• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??
• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10
• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9
• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7
• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason
• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• What Exactly Is Marriage??
• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6
• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9
• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??
• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8
• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.
• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5
• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??
• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9
• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8
• What Do Most People Do On A Date??
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9
• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??
• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10
• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9
• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??
• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10
• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9
• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7
The Best Pilot
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
Memorial
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Gujarati Funeral
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Baa) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.
On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.
On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days
Hillary's Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation: In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
On Top Of Strawberry Hill
There were three guys who were late to class.
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".
Questions you never bothered thinking of
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
- When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Accused of Murder
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
Jealous Husband...
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Little Jhonny tells a story
Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and gointo the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
Little Johnny at Bible Study
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the Twenty-third Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”
What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.
What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.
Mom and Dad, A mystery for a young chap!!!!
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him.
He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
Sleeping with BOB
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
- Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
- Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)
- Thou shall not steal from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
- Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
- Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
- Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
- Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
- Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
- Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike says just do it)
- Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
They have explaining to do
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
It's time to go home
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
.
.
.
.
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
.
.
.
.
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Inside the Mental hospital.
Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied:
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied:
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
How to interpret Women's personal Ads
WOMAN'S PERSONAL ADS
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Friendship first...................Former slut
Gentle..............................Dull
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
40-ish
means she is ................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Friendship first...................Former slut
Gentle..............................Dull
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
40-ish
means she is ................49
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