Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Best Joke in the UK
Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"
He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is... I’ve just quit drinking!"
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"
He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is... I’ve just quit drinking!"
Inheritance
The Old Professer poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
A Girl Gives Direction !
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"
The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"
The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
Packers fan
There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Bumper Stickers
Bumper stickers to muse over...
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Cute kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.'
50th Wedding Anniversary
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata hera nice, spenda alla the money ona her, but the besta thing I evera did is that I tooka her to Italy fora our 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and geta her."
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata hera nice, spenda alla the money ona her, but the besta thing I evera did is that I tooka her to Italy fora our 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and geta her."
Some Woman bashing
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%!!! Its called wedding cake.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A women who won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who just lost 90% of her intelligence? Divorced.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A women who won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who just lost 90% of her intelligence? Divorced.
World's Worst Riddles
A friend purchased "The World's Worst Riddles", a slim book at a second-hand bookshop.
Published in 1968, its Introduction says that by "worst", it might mean "best".
However... here are some for mathematicians:
======================================
Q: A man bought 90 hens. He placed 30 on the first perch, 30 on the second, and the remaining 30 on the top perch. How many hens did he own?
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*
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A: Only the ones on the first perch because the others were on higher perches (hire purchase).
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Q: If it took eight men eight hours to build a brick fence how long would it take five men to build it?
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*A: None, because the eight men have done the work.
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Q: If six magpies are sitting on a fence and one is shot, how many are left?
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A: None, because the others flew away.
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Q: Two's company, three's a crowd but what is four and five?
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A: Nine.
Published in 1968, its Introduction says that by "worst", it might mean "best".
However... here are some for mathematicians:
======================================
Q: A man bought 90 hens. He placed 30 on the first perch, 30 on the second, and the remaining 30 on the top perch. How many hens did he own?
**
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A: Only the ones on the first perch because the others were on higher perches (hire purchase).
========================================
Q: If it took eight men eight hours to build a brick fence how long would it take five men to build it?
**
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*A: None, because the eight men have done the work.
========================================
Q: If six magpies are sitting on a fence and one is shot, how many are left?
**
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A: None, because the others flew away.
========================================
Q: Two's company, three's a crowd but what is four and five?
**
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A: Nine.
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried..
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
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=
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=
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"freeze a jolly good fellow."
Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried..
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
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"freeze a jolly good fellow."
The 11th Husband !!!
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin."
"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". ..
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
I'm still a virgin."
"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". ..
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Lawyer's porsche
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.
A policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.
His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'
'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.
The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'
'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.
'What happened to MY ROLEX? !!!'
As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.
A policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.
His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'
'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.
The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'
'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.
'What happened to MY ROLEX? !!!'
No SEX since 1955
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
TECHNOLOGY - cant stop laughing
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of th animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of th animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
LIFE IS TOUGH
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral of the story: LIFE IS TOUGH , BUT ITS A LOT TOUGHER WHEN UR STUPID.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral of the story: LIFE IS TOUGH , BUT ITS A LOT TOUGHER WHEN UR STUPID.
Things Only a Mom Can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like"
"Just wait until we get home".
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like"
Who is your real friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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