A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.
Scared……..She confides this ' news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
Husband Mart
Store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
United Nations Survey
Last month, a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world." The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant, and
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant, and
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
I Quit Drinking
A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”
The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...! !!
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”
The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...! !!
Chilly Question and Answers
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Grandma & Attorney
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.......
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
FBI Job
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent
said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent
said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
What God Looks Like
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Blue Suit
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So…... I switched the heads."
Kid's Little Instructions on Life
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Smile On !!!!!!!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself..
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... .... I just lost it.'!!!
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Now keep that smile on your face
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself..
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... .... I just lost it.'!!!
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Now keep that smile on your face
Gynecologist Visit
A beautiful woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.
He told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'
He told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'
TELL OR DON'T TELL
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized? "
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?'
Pearly Gates
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Irish Castaway
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too?'
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too?'
Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" the doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" the pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
JOAQUIM'S FAULT
A man is digging a hole at the same time that his friend is covering up the same hole. And thus they spend the day, one digs and the other one covers up. Curious, a passerby who can no longer keep quiet watching the surrealist scene, approaches the two men and asks, "Gentlemen, what exactly does this mean?"
"Well, we're working," one of them answers.
"And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"
"Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today."
"And who's Joaquim?" asks the passerby.
"He is the guy who sows the seed."
"Well, we're working," one of them answers.
"And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"
"Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today."
"And who's Joaquim?" asks the passerby.
"He is the guy who sows the seed."
The Man Rules
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally ,the guys' side of the story.
(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
For men -
to give them a laugh.
For women -
to give them a bigger laugh.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally ,the guys' side of the story.
(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
For men -
to give them a laugh.
For women -
to give them a bigger laugh.
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